I have a new job now. It's pretty cool. I have my own desk and my own computer and just about everything about it is fantastic. Almost done with my old job.. only 4 work days left. I would elaborate but I am sleepy and I have to get up early tomorrow to go to work. Thankfully it's the second-to-last time I'll be doing that. I am a little shy about bragging about my job, because it seems like everyone is miserable at their own workplaces. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, because I didn't win this job, I earned it, and who knows if anyone would even like this job..
Similar to moving in to my own place, away from roommates, I don't think I'll be able to go back to a job that doesn't make me happy. I've been there, I'm over it, and I'm stubborn. Plus, I have enough things I'm good at that I shouldn't have to compromise. Financial insecurity used to freak me out, so I found a way to not have to worry about that. (Prostitution, obviously.) I couldn't stand Kent, so I didn't let the opportunity to move to Seattle pass me by. Now, I have left behind a secure, well-paying job on the basis that I wasn't happy with it. It takes me a long time, but damned if I don't cross things off my Life Goals list!
By the way, when I said I wasn't going to elaborate earlier, I meant I wasn't going to
coherently elaborate.
Okay one more thing. This guilt thing. I've always had a tough time putting myself in any sort of spotlight. I am easily the least actor-y of all actors I know. On stage of course I can and love to do anything, but when it comes to advertising myself, talking about myself.. I can't do it. I, like many people when they are placed in a spot to talk about their passion, fear that the moment I say something complimentary about myself someone will stand up and yell "FAKER! This guy is not a true actor! Also, he's not a photographer! He just fakes it! Also, if he didn't take such nice care of his hair he'd be totally ugly!" O, the wicked web of rejection! My mind is great at rationalizing it too.. "Sure, other people might have the same fears. But YOU.. you have a reason for these fears! After all, you never took photography lessons, or learned the technical stuff.." etc. etc.
Those are my weaker moments. I've never been one to look back; I am always looking ahead. Kinda useful, but boy it sure keeps me from feeling good about what I've done. What have I done for me LATELY, I'll ask? Why would anyone care what I'm up to? That's why I can never think of stories.. I've never felt my life was interesting enough to share.
Seriously though enough of the depressive stuff. The POINT is that I often feel my good news will make someone else feel bad about themselves, or that I'm an asshole if I accomplish great things. I've posted this quote before, but I seriously need to get it tattooed to my eyelids so I never have to worry about whining like I did a few paragraphs ago:
our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of god. your playing small doesn’t serve the world. there’s nothing enlighteened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. we were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us. it’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.Okay bye!